Week CXXIX (462): Cast Away


Marlon Brando as Superman.

Gilbert Gottfried as Rick Blaine in "Casablanca."

Rosie O'Donnell starring in "The Karen Carpenter Story."

Samuel L. Jackson as Helen Keller.

Kevin Costner as Robin Hood. Oh, wait . . . .

This Week's Contest was proposed by Sheri Dye of Petersburg, Va. It was inspired by the line in the Terrence McNally play "Love! Valour! Compassion!" about the musical theater nightmare of seeing "The King and I" with Tommy Tune and Elaine Stritch. Your job is to come up with a similar terrible bit of miscasting in a movie or TV show, past or present, real or imagined, as in the examples above. (We actually think we may have done this contest years ago, but don't recall for sure, couldn't find it, and don't really want to know.) First-prize winner gets a package of six "Eight Legged Freaks," pellets that become monstrous bugs when immersed in water. They are a press giveaway from the producers of the new movie "Eight Legged Freaks," who hope to get good publicity for this tired slice of fetid schlock.  

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, July 22. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Lex Friedman of Manalapan, N.J., and Chris Doyle of Burke.

Report from Week CXXV (458), in which we supplied nine punch lines and asked you to come up with setup lines.

[diam]Second Runner-Up:

Punch line: Because falling would have been too obvious.

Setup: Why did William F. Buckley say he was "precipitating gravitationally" in love? (Mike Genz, La Plata)

[diam]First Runner-Up:

Punch line: Because the rhinoceros got there first.

Setup: Chelsea comes home one day and discovers Hillary watching a rhinoceros stomping Bill to a pulp. "Mom," she shouts, "Why aren't you doing something?" And Hillary says . . . (Ken Lickliter, Bristow, Va.)

[diam]And the winner of the "Bad Company" promotional material:

Punch line: No, you moron, you were supposed to wear it.

Setup: Explorer 1 (returning from bushes): You were right, Profethor. The pith helmet thertainly came in handy!

Explorer 2: . . .

(William Zamojcin, Vernon, Ct.)

[diam]Honorable Mentions:

YELLOW AND RED.

What's the color of the snow around Tony Soprano's house?

(Judith Cottrill, New York)

From worst to first, what are the badges of courage? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

What did the physicist get when he split the orange?

(Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station; Dave Komornik, Berkeley Springs, W.Va.)

What color is a lemon with a sucking chest wound? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

How does Pat Buchanan describe the journalism at The Washington Post?

(Susan Thompson, Rockville)

What is the color of the flag of the People's Republic of Banana?

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

THAT'S THE VICE PRESIDENT'S JOB.

On entering office, George W. Bush was shocked to find his powers extremely limited. He tried to pass a law, but was told that is Congress's job. He tried to reinterpret the Constitution, but was told that is the Supreme Court's job. He tried to set interest rates, but was told that's Alan Greenspan's job. Finally, he said, "If you guys don't let me do something, I'm gonna have a heart attack." Sorry, he was told, . . .

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

BECAUSE FALLING WOULD HAVE BEEN TOO OBVIOUS.

Why did the abstract artist levitate after slipping on a banana peel?

(Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station)

BECAUSE THE RHINOCEROS GOT THERE FIRST.

What is the real reason Mei Xiang wouldn't let Tian Tian get intimate with her? (Andy Wexler, Silver Spring)

IT WAS TOO HOT.

Why didn't Satan visit Washington in August? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Three accountants die in a car crash, but are brought back to life when it it is discovered a clerical error had been made and their numbers weren't up yet. The PriceWaterhouse auditor said, "Frankly, the harp music was driving me nuts." The Ernst & Young tax man said, "Same here." And the guy from Arthur Andersen said . . .

(Milo Sauer, Washington)

BECAUSE TOMATOES WOULD HAVE RUINED THE WHOLE THING.

Why did wedding guests throw rice at the bride and groom as they came out of church? (Mike Genz, La Plata)

THE SECOND CANDIDATE SHOWED FAR MORE ENTHUSIASM.

Why did the first candidate get the mortician's job? (Mike Genz, La Plata)

NO, YOU MORON. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WEAR IT.

First moron: I threw the clock out the window.

Second moron: . . . (Mike Genz, La Plata)

IT'S NOT THE BEGINNING, IT'S THE END.

What is the worst prom theme yet? (George J. Papanicolaou, Bethesda)

How can you tell a rabbit from an Italian? (Fred S. Souk, Reston)

And Last:

BECAUSE THERE IS NO NUMBER EIGHT.

How do you know the guys running the contest are morons?

(Benjamin Pollack, Fairfax Station)